


Her Voice

by aMUSEment345



Series: Soundings [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship, Gen, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 04:32:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7493928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid makes a final visit to his mother, accompanied by a friend. Part of the 'Soundings' Series.  Set in Season 7.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

**A.N. Somewhere along the way, I noticed that the voices of JJ and Diana sounded very similar, almost identical in quality. And that set the scene….**

* * *

  **Her Voice**

**Chapter 1**

The call came in late afternoon, just after he'd refilled his coffee for the umpteenth time. As much as he didn't mind the reading, Reid preferred the challenges of the field to these long afternoons doing paper consults. He welcomed the distraction until he saw that the call was from Bennington.

"Dr. Reid? This is Dr. Norman from Bennington. Doctor, I'm sorry to do this on the phone, but I need to give you some news about your mother-and I'm afraid it's not very good."

Emily was the first to notice the change in Reid's mien and the way he sat, stiffly, knuckles white from gripping the phone so tightly. She caught the attention of her colleagues.

"Very early this morning, Mrs. Reid suffered a seizure, focal to the left side. She was transported to Las Vegas Memorial for evaluation. The doctors there would like to speak with you as soon as possible. I can give you the number."

Reid ended the call and punched in the numbers for Las Vegas Memorial. Dr. Carson came on the line promptly.

"Dr. Reid, thank you for calling me so quickly. As you probably know, your mother had a focal seizure this morning and was transferred here from Bennington. I understand she's been treated there for schizophrenia. I need to ask you if she has ever had a seizure in the past, or ever had a CT scan or MRI." At Reid's negative responses, Dr. Carson continued, "We performed a CT scan with contrast. It seems she has a large mass in the left parietal area. The contrast showed it to be very vascular. We think she may have started bleeding into it, causing the seizure. And we're very concerned she could have a much more serious bleed imminently."

Reid's mind was racing. _Seizure…..tumor….bleeding…..Mom_. "What-what does it mean?"

"It means that her life is very much in danger, Dr. Reid. If it's at all possible, I think you should come immediately."

"Of course, I will. Is there an option for surgery?"

"With the size and the vascularity, I'm afraid not, Dr. Reid. The best we can offer is the hope that radiation might shrink it a bit. But I have to tell you that lesions this size, and with this much blood supply, are usually fatal within days to weeks. I wish I could give you better news."

Several beats later, Reid responded. "Thank you, Dr. Carson. I know that wasn't easy. I'll be there as quickly as I can. Does she know?"

"She is beginning to stir, but hasn't yet been alert enough to tell. The Bennington staff thought it might be best if they, or you, gave her the news."

Reid agreed. "They're right. Please don't let anyone tell her until I get there. I'll leave tonight."

The rest of the team had been blatantly eavesdropping on Reid's half of the conversation and were now staring at him, awaiting an explanation. From the looks of sympathy in their eyes, it was clear they'd gotten the gist of it. He gave them the rest.

"I don't know how long I'll be gone, guys. I don't think I'll be able to leave her until this is done…one way or the other."

With that, looking both resigned and lost, he went to ask Hotch for an extended leave.

Morgan, Emily and JJ exchanged looks.

"I wish he didn't have to do this alone-he literally has no family for support- only us," said Emily.

Morgan replied, "But he's such a private person, I don't know that he would _let_   us help him. You remember how he tried to hide it when he was investigating whether his father had been involved with murdering that boy. He was completely torn up, but still wouldn't ask for help. Rossi and I had to practically force him."

JJ had been quiet during the exchange. "I think maybe he would let me-at least if I didn't give him a chance to say no. He came to me when he thought Emily had died." Her voice trailed off as she remembered how devastated he had been-first by the "death" and then by the deception. "Let me talk to Garcia and see if she can wield her magic wand."

* * *

Reid settled into his seat by the window, already missing the ease of flying the BAU jet. He was lost in thought, in a distant time and place, moving between the memories of his mother in her best moments and her worst, and apprehensive about what would greet him in Las Vegas. He barely noticed when someone sat in the seat next to him.

"Is there room for one more?" The familiarity of the voice made him turn.

"JJ! What are you doing here?"

"I think It's pretty obvious. I'm flying to Las Vegas. I -all of us, really-thought you shouldn't be dealing with this alone. So Garcia made it happen, and even got me into the seat next to yours."

"But how can you go to Las Vegas? You've got Will and Henry to worry about.  JJ, I don't want to be a bother to anyone, and I especially don't want you to leave my godson without his mom."

JJ looked off to the distance. The moment had come to share a truth she'd been reluctant to even acknowledge.

She began with a sigh. "There's something I haven't told you, Spence. I've told Penelope, but sworn her to secrecy. I guess you may as well know too." She shifted in her seat to face him. "Will and I aren't together anymore. There were just too many differences to overcome. In retrospect, I guess I always knew it would end this way-there was always something that kept me from agreeing to marry him. Eventually he reached the same conclusion. We're friendly, just not romantic."

He noticed that the look on her face wasn't really one of sadness.   _More resignation, really.  And weariness._  " He's gone back to New Orleans. Henry is staying with me, but right now he's visiting Will's family."

Reid studied her in stunned silence. Somehow she'd kept this to herself and he hadn't even noticed. What did that mean about their own relationship? Once they'd been very close, but lately there had been some distance. The whole thing with Emily had definitely put a filter between them in terms of what they shared with one another. He'd missed her, even though he saw her almost every day. And now, here she was, prepared to accompany him on the most difficult journey of his life, while she was on one herself. He decided it was time to dissolve any barriers that remained between them.

Reid considered his next statement carefully. Clearly he needed to support JJ, but he was also worried about her-and especially about Henry. The childhood he'd lived was stuck in Reid's consciousness.

"What will that mean for Henry, if he doesn't see his dad all the time? JJ, my dad left my mom and me alone, and look what happened to me."

She looked at him with a patient smile. "Spence, what happened to you is that you became a caring, compassionate man who has dedicated his life to helping others-what more could I want for Henry?"

"But you don't know what it was like. Granted, my mom suffered a mental illness, and that flavored everything that happened. I virtually raised myself from the time my dad left. I wouldn't want that for my godson."

At that, tears sprang to JJ's eyes. "Ever since I've been a mother, the one thing I've hoped for is never to hurt my son. I've cried and prayed and lost countless nights of sleep over this, Spence. I wish Will and I could really make a life together, but I know it wouldn't work. And as painful as it is to end it, and to think of what it might do to Henry, I think it is for the best. I think it would be worse for Henry to grow up with two parents who really haven't found themselves able to love one another."

He held her gaze. "I'm so sorry, JJ. I wanted more for you. You deserve more." He added, "I'll be there for Henry-and for you-in any way that you need. Babysitting, trips to the museum…I'll even learn how to teach him baseball…..if it will help."

That last brought more tears to her eyes. "I'll take you up on that, Spence. Maybe not the baseball"-she said looking at him askance-"although that would definitely be fun to watch." And they both smiled.

She continued, "Anyway, it's made it possible for me to go with you to Las Vegas, so I guess it's not all bad. The thought of anyone having to face the prospect of losing a parent alone is too hard-I especially would never want it for you."

She reached for his hand and, uncharacteristically, he let her take it. As he closed his fingers around hers, he turned again to the window and visited his own thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Her Voice**

**Chapter 2**

Las Vegas Memorial was a bit larger than Reid had imagined, but not as vast as the university hospital. It didn't take long to be directed to the neurosurgical service and to find Dr. Carson. Reid introduced himself and JJ.

"Dr. Reid, your mother regained consciousness a few hours ago. She seems fully alert and oriented and, according to the Bennington staff, is having a particularly 'clear' day. We told her she'd had a seizure, but not what we've found as the cause of it. She knows you are coming, and has been asking about you every few minutes."

Reid was relieved at the report. He dreaded sharing the diagnosis, and especially the prognosis, with her, but was also grateful to catch her on a lucid day. JJ encouraged him to go in without her, to take advantage of Diana's clarity, to discuss all they needed to.

* * *

Reid entered his mother's room with a soft knock. She was half sitting up in bed, a book in her hands. He remembered so many days she'd looked just like that, when he was a child. She would invite him to join her in the bed and read to him aloud. Although he hadn't known it then, he'd come to treasure those moments.

"Hi,Mom. I guess you've had kind of an exciting day."

"Spencer, you're here! I'm so sorry they bothered you. But I'm so glad to see my boy."

"I'm glad to see you too, Mom. I've missed you. How do you feel?"

"You mean after my little episode? I feel fine, just a little headache. But they don't seem to want to let me out of here. Talk to them, Spencer. Make them let me go back home to Bennington."

He looked everywhere but at her. How to say this? How do you tell your mother to get ready to die?

He swallowed slowly. "Mom, there's something I have to tell you." She stared at him. "The doctors did some tests to find out why you had the seizure. One of the tests found something."

Looking at his face, she suddenly knew. Somehow the pain and loss were already evident, and understanding slowly dawned.

"The doctors found a lesion—a mass—a tumor-in the left side of your brain."

Her eyebrows raised, her eyes widened.

"They don't know how long it's been there, but it is large, and has a very well developed blood supply. They think you had the seizure because you may have bled into it a little bit, and the sudden increase in size caused the problem."

He studied her for a response, found it only in her eyes. She looked past him, into the middle distance.

"They are worried that it could bleed again, and cause a much bigger problem. So they'd like to give you radiation, to try to make it smaller."

Now she looked directly at him. "Spencer, there's something you're not telling me. Remember, mothers always know. What is it, baby?"

Now _he_   had trouble making eye contact. Taking a deep breath, he plunged in. "The doctors say that these kinds of tumors are often rapidly fatal. They think you may only have a few weeks"-and, trailing off, softly-"or even only a few days."

Diana hadn't been quite ready for that. Her hand went to her chest. As often as she'd wished to be liberated from her thought-prison, the idea of imminent death was still frightening. And then the maternal instinct kicked in. She saw her only son, for so many years her only reason for living, in anguish about what he'd told her.

"Spencer, those doctors don't know everything. I feel fine. I'm sure it will pass and I'll be back to normal-or at least _my_ version of normal."

It always amazed him whenever she managed to inject some humor into a conversation about her illness. Even though he wasn't sure she actually understood that it _was_ humor.

"Mom, I know they don't know everything, and I hope they're wrong-but I'm afraid they may be right this time. I just…..I just thought you would want to know. I'm so sorry."

She looked at him with that penetrating gaze. "I know you are, honey. And you were right to tell me. Now go and get yourself something to eat-you're so skinny! I need to be alone for a little while."

Slowly, he turned to go, and then turned back. "Mom, when I come back, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. We work together, and she came out here with me. You remember I told you about JJ?"

"Spencer! Is she a special girl in your life? I always knew you would find someone when you were ready. I'm so glad I could still be around to meet her."

"We're friends, Mom. She has- _had_ -a boyfriend and she's got a little boy, Henry. She asked me to be his godfather-do you remember me telling you about that?"

"No—but I think It's wonderful, Spencer. You have so much to offer a child."

Henry's birth had happened just after she'd gone off her meds to help Spencer understand about his father and Riley Jenkins. Of course she might not have remembered.

"If it's okay, I'll bring JJ back with me. We won't be long."

"You do that, Spencer. Now, give me my solitude."

He gave her a quick, awkward hug and headed back to the visitors' lounge, where he found JJ waiting.

In response to her query, he said, "She's awake, alert, and pretty clear in her thinking." After a deep sigh, he continued, "I told her. I don't know how much she processed. She started to tell me how doctors can be wrong, but then asked for some time alone. I think she gets it, but I'm not sure. " And a moment later, "I can't believe I've just told my mother she's going to die. I don't even know if it was the right thing to do. How do I know what's right?"

He looked at JJ for direction.

She took his hands in hers. "I don't think we ever imagine these things before we're in them, Spence. And we can never know whether any one choice we make is right or wrong. We can only know the things that _do_   happen after we make a choice.  We can never know what might have happened if we'd gone another way. I think the only thing you can do is to make every decision out of love, and what happens after that, you can't control. I know you love your mother and, more importantly, I'm sure  _she_ knows it too. That's all that matters."

Reid pondered her words for a moment and nodded slightly. "You're right, of course. But I don't know that I can let go of the doubt. I think I'll always wonder if I should have done something differently. But I guess I'm going to have to live with it."

JJ agreed, "As am I, with the decision I made about Will-for both myself and for Henry."

The travel, the day, the sadness began to take their toll, and both of them suddenly realized how very tired they were. After letting Diana's nurse know they were leaving, they found rooms in a nearby hotel and went for a light supper. As they shared their meal, JJ found herself delving into stories from Reid's childhood to a degree she never had before. He seemed to alternate between the light and the darkness, between the memories of Diana with her demons and the Diana that so loved her little boy. JJ began to realize how Reid had become such a complex creature, analytical at one time, emotional another. Above all, she appreciated the monumental strength and resolve it must have taken to navigate such a difficult childhood.

Reid interrupted her reverie. "I told her I'd bring you back with me in a little while. It's strange, for so many years I was ashamed to have any of my friends meet her, but somehow I really want you to know her."

"For my own reasons, Spence, I really want to know her too," said JJ.


	3. Chapter 3

**Her Voice**

**Chapter 3**

JJ and Reid headed back to the hospital in the early evening, finding Diana again propped up in her bed, reading.

"Hi Mom, I'm back. Do you remember I told you I'd be bringing a friend? This is Jennifer Jareau-we call her JJ. JJ, this my mother, Diana Reid."

JJ approached the bed. "Mrs. Reid, I'm so glad to see you again. I remember you visiting the BAU, but that case was so difficult, I don't think any of us were able to even speak with you."

Reid noticed his mother covering up the fact that she had no memory of having met JJ before. He recalled how skilled she'd gotten at covering her memory lapses when he was a child.

"Please call me "Diana"-and I think I would like to call you "Jennifer", if you don't mind," she said, shaking JJ's extended hand.

"Jennifer is fine-it's what my mother calls me. She doesn't understand why nobody wants to call me by the (making finger quotes) "perfectly beautiful name" she gave me. She'd be very happy."

"Mothers have very strong opinions when it comes to their children, don't they?"

JJ agreed. "Would that be why I think my son Henry is the cutest four year old on the planet?"

Diana gave a knowing nod. "That's right, Spencer told me earlier about your son. Did you bring him with you? Won't they let him visit?"

Reid watched JJ's face fall, and then her quick recovery for Diana's sake. "He's visiting with his dad's family in New Orleans. They rarely get to see him because we're so far away. I'm glad they're getting time with him, but I miss him so much." Not mentioning her separation from Will.

"He must miss his mother as well. Little boys are always very attached to their mothers," she said, directing her gaze at her own 'little boy'.  And that little boy blushed.

"I called Henry earlier and read him a favorite story over the phone—we both have it memorized. It helps me to feel close to him when I have to be away."

Diana was lost in thought for a moment. "Spencer, I used to treasure those days when you would let me read to you." She paused a moment, then continued, "Honey, would you let me do it again? Can I read to my little boy?"

Blushing again, Reid looked at her and then at JJ, not certain what to make of the request. At the slightest nod from JJ, he gave a little smile and acquiesced. "Sure, Mom. That would be great."

JJ rose to leave. "I'll give you two some time alone."

But Diana stopped her. "Stay, Jennifer. Keep us company, and maybe you'll miss your Henry a little bit less tonight."

JJ smiled and, pulling a chair up to the side of the bed, settled in. Reid and Diana perused the assortment of books she'd had sent over from Bennington. He wasn't surprised to find both Proust and her favorite, Margery Kempe, in the mix. He noticed the Kempe had a marker in place, so asked her to read that one.

As Diana began, Reid reflected poignantly on her choice. He found it more comforting than he would have predicted that she'd been reading on what it was like to have a mystical experience of God. Perhaps she might fear death a little less if she thought a welcoming union ensued.

Diana read, "On a night, as this creature lay in her bed with her husband, she heard a sound of melody so sweet and delectable, that she thought she had been in Paradise, and therewith she started out of her bed and said: "Alas, that ever I did sin! It is full merry in Heaven."**

JJ watched both of them, mother and son, having fallen into a rhythm of their own. She saw Reid staring directly at his mother. It seemed like he was memorizing every detail of her-her hair, her eyes, her lips, her hands-even the timbre of her voice. She held back tears as she recognized he was creating an image that would have to sustain him when his mother was gone. She thought of Henry, and how he might one day do the same with her-and she prayed that he would want to.

After a while, Diana's voice struggled and it was clear that she was exhausted. They said their goodnights, and headed back to the hotel for the evening.

"JJ", Reid began hesitantly, "thank you for being so good with my mother. I know she can be an acquired taste. She really seemed to like you."

"Spence, she was wonderful! I know your childhood was difficult. But I watched the two of you tonight. _Something_ she did was right. I saw how much you love her, and she loves you. I could almost literally feel it, it was that palpable."

Reid was silent a moment. "I do love her. And as hard as that has been, I'm terrified to lose her. I'm even more terrified not to do the right thing. One of the nurses told me Dr. Carson wants to meet with me in the morning to talk about advance directives. He wants me to talk to her about what to do when she starts to die." His anguish evident in his voice.

"Shouldn't the doctor discuss that with her?"

"She's not considered competent, because of the schizophrenia. So I'm the one who will have to discuss it with her." He expelled a deep breath. "I don't pray very often-haven't even been sure who or what I'd be praying to-but I find myself praying constantly these past few days. And right now, I'm praying for the right words, and the right decisions."

"Well, I do believe in prayer, Spence. Even more, I believe in you. You'll do the right thing, because that's what a son who loves his mother does."

She went on, "I'm exhausted, and you must be even more tired than I am. Try to get some sleep. I know it won't be easy, but at least rest. I'll see you in the morning." And tiptoeing, she gave him a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Good night, JJ, and thanks again. I don't know how I was thinking that I could have done this alone."

**The Book of Margery Kempe, Ch. 3; p. 5.


	4. Chapter 4

**Her Voice**

**Chapter 4**

After a nearly sleepless night, Reid faced the morning with dread. He was about to embark on the most difficult conversation of his life.

Or maybe not. Maybe the most difficult had been when he'd first had Diana committed. She'd made it clear that he had 'taken away her entire life' that day. He'd felt like he'd betrayed her, while at the same time, he knew it was for her benefit. Now, he wasn't sure if he would be advising her for her benefit, or for his. And now the stakes really _were_  'her entire life'. He hoped Dr. Carson would be able to help him.

* * *

Still in her room, JJ was on the phone with Garcia. "He's doing as well as can be expected, I guess, considering. No one seems very optimistic. In fact, her doctor wants to meet with Spence this morning to discuss how much treatment to give her and whether to resuscitate her if she needs it. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't sleep at all."

"I thought she'd regained consciousness. Has she gotten worse?"

"She's awake, and yesterday she felt well enough to talk—she even read to us, which was a pretty interesting experience. But they're afraid that she could get much worse very suddenly, if the tumor bleeds, so they want to talk about what to do if that happens. Poor Spence, it's being left to him to discuss it with her because she's not considered competent. Although she seemed pretty sharp to me. Spence says it's because she's in a 'window period' between when she came off her meds---they stopped them when she was admitted, so they could figure out her mental status---and the time when the schizophrenia will show itself."

"Well, you give him my love and great big hug from godmother to godfather. "

"I will. Garcia, is anyone else there now?"

"No. They were called to a case in Arizona, flew out last night. I thought someone might have told you."

That took JJ by surprise. "They went on a case down two team members? Let me call Hotch. Talk to you soon."

She got him a few seconds later. "You're on speaker, JJ. How are things going there?"

"The more important question is how are they going _there_? Hotch, I never meant for you to be so shorthanded on a case. I could have come back if you needed me."

"Relax, JJ." It was Rossi's voice. "We're here for a possible serial but aren't even sure about that yet."

Hotch added, "You're only in Nevada—we can have you here quickly if we need you."

Emily spoke up. "How's Reid? Is he with you?"

JJ repeated what she'd said to Garcia, and Emily responded, "Stay with him, JJ. We really will call you if this turns into something, but right now I think we all feel better that you're with him."

"Yeah,"-Morgan-"You tell Pretty Boy I'm thinking about him-and his mom."

"I'll do that," JJ said with a smile in her voice. "Please call me if you want me to come. Spence will understand. And please, all of you, be careful."

Hotch ended the call. "Take care, JJ. And tell Reid he should take all the time he needs right now. He is where he should be."

* * *

They met up for coffee. JJ passed along the others' good wishes but didn't mention they were out on a case. She feared Reid would feel guilty about being away, and especially about not knowing how long he might be gone.

Reid thought JJ should take a break and relax while he met with Dr. Carson, but she declined. "I think I'll go and keep your mother company for a while, Spence. Would you mind if I did that?"

"I think _she_ might like it, but I don't know that _you_   will. Unless you like being lectured to about medieval English literature. That's what tends to happen when she has an audience."

"I wouldn't mind that at all. But I also think there might be some other things she'd like to talk about," JJ was smiling to herself. "We'll see."

* * *

When they got to the hospital, Reid went directly to his meeting with Dr. Carson while JJ went to Diana.

"Please have a seat, Dr. Reid. I know how difficult this ordeal is for you. Again, I am so very sorry to be having this conversation. As you know, your mother's tumor has already had some internal bleeding, leading to her seizure. That is usually a negative sign, meaning that it usually means it will bleed again. It might be only a slight bleed, resulting in another seizure or even some minor damage to that part of her brain….or it could be a major bleed, leading to significant brain damage and possibly to her losing the ability to breathe on her own-or leading rapidly to death."

He gave Reid a few moments to take it in. Reid's mind was stuck on the idea that this left sided tumor could cause left sided brain damage-the processing center for words, and words being so precious to his mother, so much a part of what had sustained her in her isolation at Bennington.

_Could this tumor be so diabolical as to take away her one comfort?_

Dr. Carson went on, "We need to determine how much intervention should be made, especially if Mrs. Reid were left not fully conscious or able to breathe on her own. Should she be intubated? Given a feeding tube? Should she receive CPR? Doctor, do you have any sense of what your mother would want?"

Reid shook his head. "It's not something we've ever talked about. But I know how much she hates procedures, how her paranoia is heightened whenever she even needs a blood test. She hasn't even had a flu shot in years because she gets so agitated, thinking they're running an experiment on her. I can't imagine she would want anything aggressive done, if there's no hope of recovery. Am I right in assuming there's no hope she'll get through this?" he asked, reality in his voice, but hope in his eyes.

"There is no hope, Doctor, no. The best we might be able to do is to give her a little time if we're able to shrink it with radiation. We'd actually like to get started on that tomorrow. She went down for marking this morning."

"Dr. Carson, my mother has always been, both before her schizophrenia and since, a woman of words. She loves to read, and her journal is her most precious possession. I think, if the tumor were to take that from her, she would lose her will to live. And so I don't think she would want you to be aggressive if the worst happened."

"I think that's a wise decision, Dr. Reid. I know you are acting as her agent in this, but I also know that you want her assent. Would you like me to be present when you speak with her about it?"

"Thank you, Dr. Carson, but I think it's best if I do it alone. She does get mad at me sometimes, but she always _trusts_ me. As much as I dread it, I think it has to be just the two of us."

"You're a good man, Dr. Reid. Your mother raised a good son."

"Let's hope she still thinks so after this."

* * *

Diana's nurse had warned JJ she was having a rough morning. She'd been upset at the radiation marking process, thought they were trying to do something to her mind. JJ remembered what Reid had said about the meds, and wondered if her mental illness was beginning to reemerge.

"Good morning, Diana," JJ announced her presence. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'd be better if they'd let me out of here. My head is pounding after they put it under that machine this morning. Where's Spencer? I want him to make them let me go."

"He'll be along in a little bit. I think he's talking with Dr. Carson. Can I wait with you?"

"Of course you can. Sit here beside me." Diana patted the bed. "Tell me about my boy. Is he well? Is he happy? He's always been so special, and sometimes I worry that it's a burden."

"Right now he's worried about you, but he's okay. Spence is a very important member of our team. I don't think we could do even half of what we do without him."

"I'm glad to hear that, Jennifer. But I still worry about him. He has such a dangerous job. I wish he would do something safe, like teaching."

JJ thought to herself, _sometimes I wish he would do something safe too…..he's always putting himself at risk._ But to Diana, she said, "He's happy in his work, I think. He's making a difference in many, many lives, if that's any comfort."

Diana shook her head, "I never thought he would work for the FBI. I always encouraged him to use his words, and not to fight.  I discouraged him playing with guns. It seems like such a violent career choice for him to make."

"Spence _does_ use his words, Diana. Long after most of us give up trying, Spence is there talking to the unsub---the bad guy---and trying to get him to give up, to _choose_ to stop hurting people. I know some people think he's crazy"---rephrasing, considering Diana's diagnosis---"think he's wrong, and sometimes even _I_ want us to just go in and take them by force, but….there's something….I don't know... _noble_ …about what Spence does. And sometimes it works. I suspect you had more of an influence on him than you think."

Pensive, Diana said. "When he was a little boy, he loved to climb to the highest branch he could reach and then jump. I'd always thought he was just being a typical boy, but one of my 'therapists' (the word dripping with sarcasm) wondered if he was trying to escape his childhood with me. That I'd made his life so difficult…" She was lost in memory.

JJJ felt a certain solidarity  with the woman before her.

"Diana….this may not be my place, but I feel like I should tell you…..Spence has been telling me a lot about his childhood. There were definitely hard times, but I can tell you that he has as many memories of good times as of bad. You clearly did something right with him."

Letting Diana absorb that, JJ went on. "I was really hoping to talk with you about that…..about how you were a mother, raising a son alone. Henry's father and I aren't together any more….we realized we might do Henry more harm than good by staying together. But now I'm worried about whether I can be a good enough mother to him. How did you do it? How did you raise your son without his father, and while being ill? Spence is such a good, good man. How did you know what to do?"

JJ couldn't read Diana's reaction. She seemed surprised to be asked for mothering advice, pleased at the comment about Spencer, and disturbed at JJ's situation. "I'm so sorry, Jennifer. It was very hard for me when Spencer's father left us." She held JJ's gaze. "But it became more just a way of life after a while. Spencer was hurt by our fighting….you are right to protect your little boy from that."

Diana sighed deeply and resumed. "I never thought the day would come when someone would ask _me_ for advice on raising a child. But since you have, I will tell you that it is part prayer, part love and part magic."

JJ encouraged her with a sideways look.

"Prayer because you know you can never be good enough on your own, love because it's visceral, and magic because somehow the combination of prayer and love work-and that _must_ be magic."

JJ laughed, as she was meant to. "I only hope I have enough-of prayer, and love…..and magic."

"Tell me about your little boy, Jennifer."

"Henry is great. He's four, he's blonde, like me-so cute, if I say so myself- a bundle of energy, so funny. Some days I think I will burst, I love him so much."

"That's the magic, Jennifer. It makes everything else work."

JJ thought of something else she should share, a gift to Diana.

"Did you know I asked Spence to be Henry's godfather? At the time, everyone thought it was a strange choice, because Spence had never seemed all that comfortable around children.  But when I thought about who I wanted my son to grow up to be…it was Spence. If Henry can be the kind of dedicated, responsible, caring man that Spence is-well, I will be a very happy mama."

After a moment of silence, JJ heard, "Thank you, Jennifer. What you've said leaves me feeling confident that I will be leaving my son with people who care about him."

JJ had been so caught up in the conversation she'd forgotten why they were having it. Of course Diana was looking for some sense that she would not leave her son, albeit an adult, abandoned and anchorless. JJ sought to assure her further.

"Henry has pretty much adopted Spence as his 'uncle'. He is very attached, sometimes even literally. And Spence loves to read with him, and build with him-Lincoln Logs are his favorite-and he's even taught Henry a couple of card tricks. Spence is a member of my family now, Diana. You don't need to worry about him."

The two women locked eyes in a moment of maternal solidarity.   

"Thank you, Jennifer. For telling me all of these things-and for making my son happy."

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Reid had seen them in intense conversation as he walked down the hall, and had waited until it looked like a good opportunity to join them.

"Hi Mom, JJ. What are you two up to?"

The women looked at each other, and then at him. "Nothing", they said, simultaneously. "We're just visiting", added JJ.

Reid looked from one to the other slowly. "Hmmmmm…."

"Mom, could I talk with you about something?"

JJ interjected. "I think I need to make a call to Henry. I'm needing to hear his voice right about now. I'll catch up with you after lunch."

"Thanks, JJ. Mom and I will be fine. Say hi to Henry for me."

"And for me," added Diana.


	5. Chapter 5

**Her Voice**

**Chapter 5**

After JJ left, Reid walked over to his mother and sat down beside her on the bed. He took her hand in his, which alerted Diana that this was not some ordinary talk. While he never refused it, Spencer almost never initiated contact between them, always waiting until Diana showed she was open to it.

"What is it, Spencer? You look troubled."

"Mom, I met with Dr. Carson this morning. He told me you'd gone down to get ready to start radiation tomorrow."

"Oh, it was awful, Spencer. They pointed a machine at my head and took all sorts of measurements. They must think this tumor has made me stupid if they think I don't know what they're up to. Please don't let them do this to me, Spencer. Please."

Reid recognized the paranoia beginning. Now he was in a race against time, fighting both the tumor and the schizophrenia. He wanted to have her assent while she was still able to give it.

"Mom, I won't let them do anything you don't want them to do. That's actually what Dr. Carson and I were talking about. We can discuss later about whether they do the radiation, but there's more that we need to decide about." He tried to gauge her readiness for what came next. "Do you remember that I told you the tumor might bleed again?" At her nod, he continued, constantly scanning her face for a reaction. "If it should bleed a lot, it could make you very, very sick, and very quickly. You might not be able to breathe on your own, or even eat on your own. If that happened, the doctors might have to put a breathing tube in your throat, and…..

"And hook me up to a machine?" she interrupted, "Never! I won't allow it! Spencer, promise me you'll never let that happen!"

Despite her agitation, he was almost relieved at her words, but still needed to be sure she understood. He put a calming hand on her shoulder. "If it happens that you need the breathing tube and I don't let the doctors give it to you….they won't be able to save your life. It means that you'll die then, Mom."

She paused a moment, made sure she had his eyes. "And I will be ready for that, when the time comes. I've been busy preparing." She pointed to the books strewn about and her journal lying open on the bed. "Just promise me, Spencer, that you will do as I ask."

"Mom, I told you, I'll never let them do anything to you that you don't want. " His eyes broke away as they both recalled the time he _had_   gone against her wishes, sending her to Bennington. "I did it once, a long time ago, and I thought it was for your sake. Maybe it was for mine. Mom, I'm so sorry about that. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"You did do the right thing, baby. I don't want you ever thinking otherwise. When you were a boy, there were days when I was clear enough to know I was hurting both of us, but I couldn't stop myself. I lashed out at you then, but that was the illness speaking. I know you only did what you thought was best, Spencer. A mother always understands."

Reid blinked the tears from his eyes. After all this time, he could still feel the wrenching guilt of that day of separation. To be granted forgiveness now was almost too much. "I love you, Mom. I want you to know that, even in those difficult days, I always loved you. I've always been proud to be called your son."

Diana often ranted, but never cried. Until now. Something in the immediacy of the threat broke down all of the internal barriers she'd erected. She reached for Spencer, and mother and son held each other, tears spilling from both sets of eyes.

JJ had been on her way back to the room to see how Spence was making out. From the hallway, she saw the intimate moment between them, and knew they needed this time alone together. She asked a nurse to tell Reid she'd gone back to the hotel.

As they ended their embrace, Reid caught his mother's hands. "Mom, you do trust me, right?"

"Of course, baby," looking at him warily. "Why?"

"Because I need you to believe me when I tell you that you should let them do the radiation." As he saw her open her mouth to argue, he sped on. "It might help the tumor shrink, which would make it less dangerous and might make your headaches go away. And it might give you more time."

Diana had been about to interrupt, but stopped at Reid's last sentence. What did having more time mean? More time to be sick? More time to spend with her son? More time to take him away from his work? More time at Bennington? What part of her life would she want more time for?

She shook her head. "Spencer, I do trust you, but I don't trust the doctors or their fancy equipment. How do I know they're not trying to run some experiment on my brain? How would _you_ know?"

Her voice was rising in pitch and volume, and Reid could see she was getting agitated again. He waved his outstretched hands downward in a calming motion. "It's okay, Mom, you don't have to do it. I'll talk to Dr. Carson again." He sought to distract her by changing the subject. "Mom, would you read to me again? I didn't realize how much I missed it until yesterday."

That seemed to appease her. "All right. Let's see, I think the Proust this time."

He sat himself in the chair JJ had vacated and waited as his mother found the right book. Without looking up at him, she commented, "Jennifer and I had a very nice chat. She's a very lovely girl, Spencer."

"Mom, we're friends. You shouldn't get any other ideas in your head."

"Many of the most lasting relationships begin in friendship. You never know where life may lead you. She certainly thinks very highly of you."

Narrowing his eyes, Reid said, "What exactly did you two talk about?"

And Diana picked up the Proust and began to read.

* * *

Reid stayed with his mother until early evening. The boy had become the man, but he still relished the sound of her reading to him. He left her with a kiss and a promise to see her early the next day. He'd finally secured her agreement to consider the radiation if he would be present to police it.

As he entered the hotel, he caught JJ leaving the gift shop with a souvenir for Henry. She was alarmed when she saw him. Reid looked completely spent, the usual dark circles under his eyes now deep shadows. JJ took his arm and led him to the elevator and then to his room. "We're going to order you some food, and then you need to get some rest. You probably haven't slept more than a handful of hours in the past three days."

She sat him on the side of the bed and settled herself next to him. "How did it go? Are you okay?"

He took a deep breath and expelled a long sigh. "She made it easy for me, was adamant about not having anything aggressive done. Of course, she was also adamant about not having the radiation, but I bargained with her that I would be there, and she's at least willing to consider it. If she changes her mind, I'm going to have to give in. I promised her I wouldn't do anything she didn't want, and I meant it. I can't ever do that to her again."

At JJ's puzzled look, he explained about Bennington.

JJ heard his voice wavering. "Do you know that she forgave me, JJ? All these years, it's always been the unsaid thing between us. Today, she forgave me." He was bent forward, head in his hands, looking at the floor. "This whole situation is so horrendous….how can it be it's given both of us some peace?"

"My mom says there's always blessing in sorrow, if you know where to look for it."

Reid was so silent, it wasn't until she saw the shaking of his shoulders that JJ realized he was crying. That almost brought her to tears as well. He'd held so much inside this whole time, and the grief and exhaustion were taking over. She reached both arms around him from her place at his side, and laid her head on his shoulder.

They sat like that for a little while, and then she began to rub his back. "Spence, you're exhausted. Why don't you lie down and try to get some sleep. I can sit here and read for a bit."

He squeezed her hand in thanks. "You don't have to stay, JJ. I'll be all right. But I think I'll skip the food for now."

JJ looked at him skeptically. "No, I don't think you'll actually sleep if I leave you alone. I think you'll sit here and ruminate. That won't do you or your mother any good. No, I think I'll stay here, at least until you fall asleep."

Reid had plenty of experience with a determined JJ, and decided not to argue. He lay down on the bed and JJ sat next to him. "Now close your eyes and breathe deeply. It will help you to relax."

"Yes, ma'am."

Reid's hair had become a running joke with the team, the subject of much teasing. Usually JJ would muss his hair as she passed by…..but tonight she gently ran her fingers through it as she brushed it back from his face. Reid succumbed to the touch, and to the soft sounds of her whispered, "Let go….breathe…..sleep."

* * *

They had only a few hours respite. JJ had fallen asleep in her reading chair, and was awakened by the ringtone of Reid's cell. She grabbed it and answered quickly.

"Dr. Reid's phone, Jennifer Jareau speaking," she whispered, hoping to let Reid sleep.

"Ms. Jareau, this is Dr. Carson at Las Vegas Memorial. I need to speak with Dr. Reid immediately. Is he there?"

JJ's heart fell. This could only be bad news. She shook Reid awake. He rubbed his face and looked at her groggily.

"Spence, I'm so sorry, but the hospital is on the phone. Dr. Carson needs to speak with you right away."

That brought Reid to full alertness. He took the phone. "Dr. Carson, this is Spencer Reid. Did something happen with my mother?"

"Yes, Dr. Reid, I'm afraid it did. She's had another seizure, this one difficult to stop. She's stabilized now, but in and out of consciousness. We believe the tumor was bleeding again-and based on the fact that her blood count is still dropping, I don't think the bleeding has stopped. This is what we feared would happen. I think she is very near the end, Dr. Reid. You will probably want to come in."

He'd put it on speaker so that JJ could hear. She was already gathering their things. She looked at Reid with sympathetic eyes. "Are you ready?"

"Will I ever be, for this? Let's go."

* * *

At the hospital they found Dr. Carson huddling with a nurse in the hallway outside Diana's room. He explained that her moments of consciousness were fleeting, and were coming less and less often. He encouraged them to speak with her even when she did not appear to be alert, as people are often able to hear even when they can't respond.

As Reid went to the room, JJ hesitated, thinking to remain outside. But Reid took her hand, the look in his eyes telling her he needed her presence. They entered together. Diana's bed was disheveled from the seizure and the response, her book and her journal fallen to the floor. Reid picked them up and laid them on the table beside her.

Sitting on the bed, he took her hands and called her name. Slowly, very slowly, she stirred. With her eyes still closed, she slurred, "Spencer."

"Hi Mom, I'm here. I'm right here with you."

More slurring-her speech center had definitely been affected. "Spencer, I'm so tired. I just want to go home. Please let me go home."

JJ's eyes were full as she watched Reid slowly swallow and respond. "It's all right, Mom. You can go home now. You can just let go... and go home. It will be all right…. I'll be all right."

His face a mask of grief, Reid was determined to help his mother navigate this final part of her journey without fear. He knew she needed to feel his presence, that she always found security in him. He let go of her hands and stretched himself out on the bed next to her.

Watching him, JJ was desperate to find a way to help. Through her own tears, she eyed Diana's book on the table and knew, somehow, exactly what to do.

As Diana faded, JJ picked up the book and read aloud-knowing that the words would help transport Diana to her rest, and Reid to the solace he would need. Spencer laid his mother's head on his shoulder, and his own head on hers.

He'd never noticed how similar their voices were—deep, just a little bit raspy, and the most soothing sounds he knew. He closed his eyes, listening to the spoken words and feeling the ever-slowing rise and fall of his mother's breath. When finally her breathing ceased, he lay, motionless, holding her. And JJ, preserving the moment, continued to read.

It was JJ reading, but it was his mother's voice Reid heard: "People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad". ~Marcel Proust

FINIS

* * *

_**A.N. The story continues in "Echoes", which will be posted soon.** _


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